Wedding Blog

Melissa Reveals the Real Questions to Ask Yourself Before Tying the Knot!

The series of questions Anne and Ethan were required to answer for their pre-marital counseling course were pretty intense, and at mywedding.com we believe that while it's important to keep an eye out for serious issues like those, it' also necessary to consider how to handle the trials and tribulations of day-to-day married life. I have offered my, ahem, expert advice on a few of the key subjects you must consider before your big day.

How will we handle arguments? Do we need to set ground rules for "fighting fair"?

You know that bit of advice you always hear about "never going to bed angry?" Well frankly, sometimes this needs to be ignored. Things can get unnecessarily heated if you're tired, have had an extra glass of wine, or are otherwise not your cool, collected selves. In my opinion, this is not the best time to sort out any issue, so you might as well sleep on it. You may wake up to find your argument about garbage duty wasn't as important as it seemed after your sixth margarita following a hard week at work. As for fair fighting rules, a few that have come in handy in my marriage are: No pouting (if you have something to say, spill it), try to avoid absolutes (ALWAYS and NEVER are rarely accurate measurements of any behavior), and - of course - don't ever get physical unless it's in the form of naked jell-o wrestling. According to my husband, the key to marital harmony is to remember that your wife is ultimately the boss so JUST DO WHAT THE NICE LADY SAYS. Finally, the most important rule of thumb that I have to pass on to you as you embark on this wondrous journey of matrimony: Never, ever forget the make-up sex.

How will we manage relationships with in-laws, ex-spouses or children from previous relationships after we're married?

My best advice for dealing with pre-existing family members is to recognize that they're not going anywhere, so it's in your best interest to figure out how to co-exist in a relatively peaceful manner. Unless your fiancé is a parent, your marriage should come as first priority before all other relationships - so don't let other family members intrude on your happiness. I speak from personal experience: For a while, the of cause major marital arguments was my mother-out-law's behavior toward me. Namely: her inability to keep from manhandling my breasts while I was pregnant. This, of course made me extremely uncomfortable. But after the boundary was clearly drawn (at my neck), we all got along swimmingly and have lived happily ever after as a fully functional family unit. Well, that's a total lie but at least she's leaving the girls alone these days.

How do we both feel about the use of credit cards? Is either one of us coming into the relationship with existing debt?

My advice on debt management? This is 2007, and we live in the U.S. of Acquiring debt. OF COURSE you're both coming into the relationship with dues owed to the gods of plastic money, and like so very many of us you may still owe "The Man" some ducats for one diploma or another as well. This is a silly question if you ask me, but if you're one of the very few debt-free American souls out there, kudos to you!

What hobbies or recreational activities will we pursue individually, together and how often?

Ummm…do I really need to make the predictable reference to the…ahem…most important "recreational activity" that you will pursue? I didn't think so. As for the frequency, let me just advise you to recreate all you can now, you crazy newlyweds, because once your recreating produces a mini-you-guys, the time and energy that you have for this type of important pastime is seriously diminished. So stop reading, take off your clothes, and pursue some joint recreation instead of staring at the computer why don't you?

I'm not even going to go there with the "individual recreation" innuendos. You get it, so get your mind out of the gutter.

Are there some things that either one of us is NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

If you simply must keep your standing Wednesday evening Happy Hour date with your girlfriends, and he still needs to watch Monday Night Football religiously, your wedded bliss will probably not be compromised provided that you make plenty of time for making googly-eyes at one another during the rest of the week. If, however, you refuse to give up your recreational narcotic use and he can't help but troll for hookers on Saturday nights, well then you may have a problem on your hands. The point is that marriage is about combining two individuals into one unit, but not one person. It is healthy and important to maintain your own identities, although concessions must be made in order to peacefully co-exist as husband and wife…so don't let him tell you that he is not prepared to give up leaving the toilet seat up for "convenience" purposes.