Here are the last two questions Anne and Ethan had to answer in their premarital counseling series. So far they felt the minister was doing a lot more listening than talking, and they wondered whether this uncomfortable silence meant they were going to get a thumbs up or thumbs down for the old hitching ceremony. But it turns out Ethan and Anne faired pretty well in their counseling. The old minister thought these two were a perfect pair! Read about their experience from day one, two, three, and four first if you missed the boat.
9. Has or does my fiancé exhibit patterns of physical, emotional or sexual abuse towards me or towards others?
Anne: Well, yes, but not in the way that would put me in a shelter for domestic violence victims. You see, Ethan has this notion that we should not have sex for the last month before our wedding, so that somehow it's "special" on our wedding night and our honeymoon. A month of voluntary abstinence? That's my definition of sexual abuse right there. I just don't see how this is going to make it particularly different on our wedding night. If anything, it will make our reunion…how do you say it delicately…a brief encounter, which isn't to my advantage.
Ethan: Anne may be a small woman, but she's a heck of an athlete and a competitor to the core. Consequently, she physically abuses me when we get involved in any athletic activity together. When we go skiing we are hardly allowed to break for lunch and by the end of the day I am barely able to move, tennis somehow counts as a full contact sport, and even when we golf she refuses to rent a cart. I mean, golf? I suggested we take up golf so we could enjoy an outdoor activity that was somewhat relaxing. But not for Anne - anything that's technically a sport must be taken seriously and rigorously.
Note: Physical and sexual abuse are extremely serious issues. If your fiancé has inflicted abuse upon you in any way, it is important to talk to a trusted friend, spiritual leader or counselor about the problem immediately.
10. Does my fiancé display signs of drug/alcohol abuse?
Anne: Aside from the occasional night out, Ethan's pretty controlled with his substance use, which makes it funny when he does abuse the heck out of some tequila shots. One incident in particular ended up with Mr. Wall Street belting out Guns-n-Roses' 'Welcome to the Jungle' at an after-hours karaoke bar. I would have given my left arm for a video camera! But it's pretty well seared into my memory, and I will never let him live it down.
Ethan: The funny thing about Anne's personality is that it can be difficult to tell if she's been drinking, so a lot of people assume when they see us out at night that she usually has been. After they get to know her, they recognize that she's just naturally a little kooky and she may or may not have a couple of cocktails backing her up. When she puts her mind to it she can drink me under the table, but she is also able to go out and have a great time while drinking only water - and sometimes she acts crazier than the people who have been downing cocktails all night!
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