I promise to Love, Honor and…huh? Some couples are finding that traditional wedding vows don’t accurately reflect their views about marriage or their feelings for their partner, so they are choosing to write their own. This is a wonderful way to personalize your ceremony, but it can also be an incredibly intimidating assignment. How do you begin to describe the depth of your feelings toward your beloved? My husband and I chose to write our entire wedding ceremony, including the vows, and even though I write for a living I found this undertaking particularly difficult. I have compiled a few suggestions that I hope will be helpful to those of you who have decided to tackle this challenging and immensely rewarding task.
Don’t procrastinate
Start working on your vows early, so you don’t feel rushed. You don’t want this to feel like just another wedding planning chore that stares stubbornly back at you from your ever-present “To-Do” list. This is the main substance of the ceremony, and it is the verbal declaration of what the two of you will bring to the marriage, and what you expect to get out of it. That being said, it’s always ok to bring a little levity to the situation if there’s something unique and personal that you want to add, that isn’t thoroughly mushy. Jennifer Aniston famously vowed to keep Brad Pitt in banana milkshakes for life…but this might not be the best example, since he decided that he preferred a different flavor after all.
Will it be an individual effort or a joint one?
Some brides and grooms love the idea of surprising each other on their wedding day with the vows they have written. Others want to work together so that they’re “on the same page” throughout the process. If you will write individually, you must decide if you will share your vows with one another before the big altar showdown. Some people (I was one of them) fear that saying and hearing the vows for the first time during your ceremony will cause such intense emotion that you might (gasp!) cry on your wedding day. Remember: It is a pretty momentous occasion, and it is absolutely ok to cry. Ladies, that’s what they make waterproof mascara for, and gentlemen, everyone loves it when the groom cries (awww). Some of us (my hand is raised here) seem to leak way more snot than tears when we weep, which is decidedly un-bridely, so we try to avoid scenarios where this will definitely happen in front of photographers. Whatever you decide, make sure you practice saying your own vows beforehand, ideally to another human being. It will get easier, and it will take a little bit of the edge off of your nerves. Know what else takes the edge off nicely before the ceremony? A tall glass of bubbly, wedding-day courage.
Lay down some ground rules
This is a good way to make sure that you’re starting on common ground, especially if you will be writing individually. For example, will you include any religious references in your vows? Will you follow the traditional (I, name, take you, name, to…you know the routine) format, or make it entirely unique? By getting the basics straight before you begin, you can make sure that neither of you is unpleasantly surprised by either the insertion or omission of something substantial.
Getting started…
Now that you’ve gotten ready to pour your heart out, how do you begin? Try thinking about the following questions: What are two or three of the most endearing qualities in your partner? When did you know that you were in love, or that you wanted to spend the rest of your lives together? How have you grown since being in the relationship? How do you see your partnership changing over time, and how will it stay the same? This brain food should help get some ideas onto the page, and also give those tear ducts a workout!
Keep it brief
If you think you might get nervous during delivery, you don’t want to be reciting a 30-minute monologue expounding the depth of your love. A minute is plenty – especially if your words pack a punch. Also, don’t be afraid to read from a written copy (have your officiant or an attendant hold it until it’s your turn to speak) of your vows. Trying to memorize them can further rattle your nerves, and it’s not necessary unless you feel really strongly about it. Finally, be sure to look at each other when you’re saying your vows. That’s who you wrote them for!
Don’t worry if you flub your lines
Seriously, this is no big deal if it happens during the big moment; you can go back and say the botched part again, or just keep going... the sentiment is the same. In some cases, it can create a memorable wedding moment! My parents wrote their own vows, and my dad is infamous among his friends and family for vowing to “compete with”, rather than “complete” my mom for the rest of their lives. He was so nervous at the time that he didn’t notice, and they’re still happily competing with one another after 35 years.
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