Wedding Blog

1. Drunken toasts by your friends, which are completely inappropriate in mixed company

What do you mean your eighty year-old grandmother didn't hear that hilarious "public nudity arrest" story from college? Don't worry - after a couple (dozen, in some cases) celebratory cocktails, your friends will clear up that oversight during their heartfelt toasts to you. Just so you know, during these toasts you are expected to remain gracefully composed and smiling sweetly, because everyone will be staring at you while you're sure they're wondering how you had the audacity to wear white. Your friends are also likely to mention any or all of the following: previous lapses in romantic judgment (How could you have forgotten about "Slade" from the Metallica cover band? They didn't…), lapses in judgment with your beloved groom ("Officer, we were just looking for my contact lens in the back seat; we thought it might have been stuck to our clothes…") or any other general stumbles along the way to becoming the charming, sophisticated woman that you will (pretend to) be on your wedding day.

2.Sober toasts by anyone who doesn't even need to drink too much to make your friends and family members squirm with discomfort

I think a personal anecdote will illustrate this point well. During her extended speech at our rehearsal dinner, my husband's mother - who is …ahem… an outspoken urban liberal lesbian - spent about a half-hour bringing my conservative Midwestern family up to speed on the modern alternative family structure, or lack thereof. Don't get me wrong, I don't find any fault with alternative lifestyles, but at the time this explanation seemed about as appropriate and timely as offering an in-depth analysis of the Nativity Scene during a Jewish wedding. After about the seventh reference to keeping the limbs of the family tree clear rather than straight, my cousin remarked under his breath that the experience felt something like "drinking from a diversity fire hose". The more she emphasized the fact that I was about to gain three mothers-in-law (use your imagination here) rather than the measly one that many brides have to settle for, the more I wished that it were more socially acceptable for the bride to use an IV to ingest her champagne. However, I am happy to report that after almost three years of marriage, only one mother-in-law has yet to feel me up. Yep, you heard me.

3. Bridal wardrobe malfunctions (don't lose too much weight after your last dress fitting!)

There seems to be a blessing that many brides encounter as they approach their wedding day: the incredible shrinking waistline. Perhaps it's the stress of last-minute details that stifles the appetite and boosts the metabolism, or maybe it's the bionic buff-bride training/starvation regimen that many of us (myself included) put ourselves through in order to look our very best - or most emaciated - for the big event. However, a little known and much less welcome side effect of the whittled waist is the belittled bust. Yes it's true, my friends - your two most important ladies in waiting will also shrink in anticipation of the spotlight. This is definitely worth noting if you choose to wear one of those pretty strapless numbers that are en vogue these days. I did, and it made for a couple of memorable moments on my wedding day. The first of these occurred after we were pronounced husband and wife and kissed one another, when I went in to give my new husband an impromptu bear hug without considering the consequences. Because he is nearly a foot taller than I am, I had to reach up which…shall we say…leveled the playing field. Up went the arms, down came the dress, and out popped the nude colored magical suck-this-in-stick-that-out undergarment device. Thankfully my maid of honor, who was at my side, saw what was happening and pulled the dress up before my wedding video required an R-rating. The incident repeated itself during my first dance with my dad, which is also a somewhat awkward time to put on an unexpected bridal lingerie show. Anyway, my advice to you is this: Consider spaghetti straps, and if that's not an option please be liberal with the fork at your cake tastings.

4. Wardrobe mishaps by other members of the family or wedding party

Ahh…the mother-in-law again. While I may sort-of have three (have you figured it out yet?), the biological one has really pulled ahead of the pack in terms of creating stories that must be shared. Ladies, I cannot emphasize enough that while your in-laws (and your own families as well) may be giant pains in the you-know-what during wedding planning, they usually mean well (let's give them the benefit of the doubt anyway) and they don't let up just because it happens to be your wedding day…or ever again. But I digress.

The wedding wardrobe mishap that I am referring to came in the form of a giant swath of lavender and fuchsia silk that enveloped my husband's mother and followed her down the aisle with a train that was three times the length of my own. Now I am not an entirely traditional person, and I say, "You go, Girl" with whatever you want to do to celebrate your marriage - tradition be damned, if you say so. But I will just point out for comparison's sake that the groom's mother frequently wears something fairly demure (champagne is a popular color, I believe), yet lovely. It is not often that she shows up to her son's wedding in a ball gown that makes JLo's green, plunging Versace number look like a nun's habit…but it does happen, apparently. To her credit, the gown was complemented with matching stylish European glasses and fabulous yet sensible shoes, but I think she chose those accessories just so nobody would be confused about her orientation.

5. Mid-reception nudity

Thank God this one isn't about my mother-in-law, although I hope you thought that it might be…or at least realized by this point that it could have been. I have to preface this anecdote by saying that I am one hundred percent in favor of post-reception nudity as a way to get to know your fellow wedding guests, or even late-reception nudity in certain circumstances…but mid-reception nudity, I think it's safe to say, should generally be avoided. That's not to say that it will be, depending on who your friends are. I went to the lovely afternoon garden wedding of one of my best friends a few years back, who married a wonderful man from Wyoming. Let me tell you what I learned after the first hour of the reception: Cowboys like to wear only boots, if given the choice. And liquor gives them that choice. I was already attached to my husband at the time, otherwise I think I would have quit my job and opened up my own private dude ranch with an open bar policy. Now I am exaggerating a bit when I say that they like to wear only boots, because they will also wear hats, and spurs if they're available. Thankfully in this case somebody had the foresight during wedding planning to recognize that spurs and whisky are a dangerous mix around Wyoming boys, and since whisky wasn't up for discussion, no spurs could be found on the premises. Yeehaw!